COPING

COPING

For children of broken homes, a ray of hope

JAMES P. McCOY/Buffalo News
Frank Fincham instructs staffers, from left, David Meichenbaum, Kendra Klebba, Randi Steiner, Greg Fabiano, Andy Williams and Amber Wienke.

By GENE WARNER
News Staff Reporter
3/6/00

The three boys - ages 8, 5 and 3 - are doing pretty well, coping with their parents' divorce, which was finalized last week.

But their mother, Jennifer, can see the effect on the oldest boy. One day, perhaps sensing that the divorce had strained the family budget, the 8-year-old brought his mother the money he had saved from his allowance - all of about $5.

"My oldest son feels quite responsible for me and his younger brothers," said Jennifer, a Town of Tonawanda woman who asked that her last name not be used. "A lot of times, he feels he has to be the man of the house, and he's only 8 years old."

The three Town of Tonawanda boys are among roughly 10,000 children in Western New York each year who have to cope with the anguish created by their parents' divorce or separation.

But now, in what's believed to be the first program of its kind in New York State, many of these children will know that they're not alone.

Starting later this month, the Parents and Children in Transition program will allow local children to meet with other children in group activities designed to: erase common misconceptions about divorce; teach them coping skills; and show them that they're not alone in facing those problems.

"The single biggest disservice we do to children is failing to provide them with accurate information about what is happening to them when their parents divorce or separate," said University at Buffalo Psychology Professor Frank Fincham, who has devised the program along with State Supreme Court Administrative Judge Vincent E. Doyle Jr. of the 8th Judicial District.

Children often wonder whether it's their fault. They often fantasize about what they can do - better grades in school or better behavior at home - to bring their parents back together. And they often bear the scars of the divorce into their own adulthood.

"By simply coming together with other children, there is a realization that you're not alone, that this is not unique to you and that some of the feelings you have are a normal reaction to a difficult situation," Fincham added.

The program will start with children ages 9 through 12, bringing up to a dozen together in two 2¹/2-hour sessions on consecutive Saturday mornings in the Gloria J. Parks Community Center, 3242 Main St.

Here's one of the activities the group will pursue:

A 10-foot piece of tape is placed on the floor, with the word "true" written at one end and "false" on the other end.

"I like pepperoni pizza," the group leader states, and most children move immediately to the "true" end before they discuss their favorite pizza.

The next statement: "I'm a big Buffalo Bills fan." Then, after the children get comfortable talking about their own likes and dislikes, the group leader states, "When parents divorce, it's the children's fault."

Group leaders then work hard to dispel any notion that divorce ever is the child's fault.

Children also learn some new coping skills, especially communicating their feelings to their parents when they feel caught in the middle of the divorce.

For example, a child might disclose during the group session that he or she resents being caught in the middle, having to relay messages between the nonresident parent and the resident parent.

So a child learns to say something like "I feel upset when you tell me to take messages to Dad. Could you please give Dad the message yourself?"

Doyle and his executive assistant, Harold J. Brand Jr., have seen the need for this program for a long time.

Evaluations filled out by parents enrolled in a program for adults going through divorce - called PEACE (Parent Education and Custody Effectiveness) - almost universally ask for a program for their children.

"This is a cry, a plea that comes from the people who go through the PEACE program," Brand said.

The new program flows easily from the premise that divorce often rips families apart, giving children the impression that they have to choose between the two people they love the most.

"My view is that everybody in a family affected by divorce is disabled - everybody," said Paul D. Pearson, a family law attorney and trained mediator. "This program should help speed the recovery from the disability."

Separation and divorce often spell confusion for children, who may wonder whether they'll have to ride a shuttle between two homes, change schools or even get to remain with their brothers and sisters.

"Kids are scared," said Michele Brown, chief law guardian for the Children's Legal Center, which represents children in custodial and visitation cases. "They don't know what's going to happen."

This program is not for everyone.

"Clearly, this is not the silver bullet for every family," Fincham said. "Where there are serious problems - abuse or neglect - this program is not going to meet their needs. This is for any family that would like some support in the community that will directly address children's needs."

As Brown asked about children without serious emotional difficulties, "If they're going to get over it in a year or two, isn't it better for them to get over it in six months and go back to being kids?"

The problem is that parents, perhaps feeling uncomfortable about talking about their divorce, often wait for their children to ask. But the child may not know how to broach the subject.

"So, little or nothing is said, and the kid is left with those misconceptions and fantasies," Fincham said.

Parents, who will meet separately in an adults' group without their spouse present, will be encouraged to sit down later and solicit their children's thoughts.

"Remember, from a child's perspective, decisions are being made that will tremendously impact on their lives, and they have no input," Fincham said.

Fincham and Doyle called the program unique. It's among a small number of court-related programs that interact directly with children. It deals with the children early in the divorce, not years later. And it's a court-university partnership, relying on both the practical and research sides of divorce.

Anyone wanting more information may call Fincham at the UB psychology department or visit the program's Web site: at www.pact.cjb.net. The program, expected to begin March 25, already has the support of professors, court officials, child advocates and parents.

As Jennifer, the Town of Tonawanda woman, said, "There has to be a program for children showing them that they can still be little kids."